Penance.

I grew up going to Catholic church and there was this seemingly strange set of actions we would do on occasions - we would go to a small room, lay out all our wrongdoings to the mystery man behind the screen, then go back to the sanctuary and then go through our penance. I came to know this routine fairly well (as our church was full of routines) and no matter what I would say, I knew my penance would be the same: five “Our Fathers” aka “The Lord’s Prayer.”

This process never jived with me because I was still ridden with guilt and shame, but on the surface level, I liked it. I liked that I could screw up big time, just confess it to the mystery man (who was usually our priest, duh, we only had one), say a prayer five times and be clean again.

But now I know different. I know it’s not about what I do or could ever do. Now when I screw up, I have to rely on faith and grace to cover that up. It jives with me more than my legalistic upbringing, but every day I forget. I forget that when I screw up, there’s nothing I can do to ultimately rectify what I did. I could apologize and perform acts of kindness ’til I’m blue in the face, but what I screwed up happened and there’s no going back.

This is where I have to let go. I have to realize there is no penance and that God’s grace covers all my muckups, even the ones I refuse to forgive myself for. It’s almost like I want to hold on to my darkness until there’s something I can do about it. But I can’t. There’s been no human being that was able to fix all of their problems (which really renders self-help books and American psychology useless) so why do I insist I can do this?

I don’t think Jesus died on the cross so I could be held prisoner by my own guilt and shame.

As Martin Luther said (as retold by Derek Webb in explaining his song, “Nobody Loves Me“):

Luther was once asked at his church why, week after week, all he preached was the Gospel. Luther’s reponse was, “Well, because week after week you forget it. Until you walk in here looking like people who are truly liberated by the truth of the Gospel, I’m going to keep on preaching it to you.”

On patience and a promise.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. - II Peter 3:9