Echoes: Frustration.

Daley Hake wrote an excellent post worth reading. Glad to know I’m not alone, although it’s hard to imagine someone that doesn’t struggle with this to some degree. Oh yeah, check his photography too. It’s badass.

I’m trying to love people. I’m trying so very hard to understand and serve those I come in contact with. I just seem to suck so bad at it. Are some of us just not as capable as others? Or is all of this frustration just growing pains that will one day cultivate into a greater heart and understanding for humanity?
I’m on a journey in which I am fighting with myself. A journey towards Integrity and Wisdom. An endless journey.

“I see myself a stranger in one land, and an alien among one people. Yet all the earth is my homeland, and the human family is my tribe. For I have seen that man is weak and divided upon himself. And the earth is narrow and in its folly cuts itself into kingdoms and principalities.
…I stand alone in mourning, listening. And I hear from within me a voice of hope.”
-Kahlil Gibran

I feel insane. I feel right, yet wrong. I feel content, yet disconnected. Disconnected from the way this world works and the people whom embrace the systems at hand. Both the systems proclaiming good…and the systems built out of selfish ambition.

Excerpt from Daley’s blog. Full post here.

Up dog.

Sorry it’s been awhile and I never posted my Northwest trip play-by-play. Most of my pictures are on my friend’s camera, so ’til then, I’ll keep those memories packed in my peanut memory the best that I can.

Ever since I got back from vacation, I feel like I’ve hit the ground running. I really don’t have much to show for it and I still manage to sleep a lot, but my body sure feels like it’s been busy and stressed. The other day I was talking to a friend and wondering how I could start my day at 6am and go ’til midnight during high school. My days were cram packed with activities, homework, and work, but I still managed to handle it all. What the heck is different? Certainly being seven years older isn’t a valid excuse. Hold on. Did I say seven years? Holy smokes.

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Perfection.

Just wanted to point out something from my RSS feeds, specifically from Anne’s blog who took it from her friend Sarah’s blog. No, I know neither of these people, but Anne Jackson has written several articles for Relevant that I happened to stumble upon. Then I stumbled upon her blog. I enjoy her posts because she definitely sounds like someone I’d love to have coffee with over conversations on design, the world wide web, and life in general. Anyway, here’s the quote:

My perfectionism creates a demand for the unattainable. This perpetuates my self-hate and tendency to isolate - because if I can’t be perfect, no one will accept or love me, of course. Our society demands perfection. Everyone I encounter is “puttin’ on airs,” as my dad would say. (Southern for pretending to be something you’re not). Image is everything. I loathe my imperfection. I wish I was pious enough to embrace it as a reminder of the abundant Grace which covers my imperfection. But I can’t claim to be anything of the sort. Imperfection to me spells disaster. On the one hand, I do seek to be transparent in some areas. What an oxymoron. Partially transparent.

I don’t know what to say about it right now, but it hit a chord in me so I thought I’d make note here.

As far as life has been, it’s been busy. A good busy though, as a few of us have been celebrating a friend’s birthday all weekend long. It left a bittersweet taste in my mouth though as I’ve realized our times together are definitely numbered. I mean, yes, duh, my days on earth are numbered, but I’m guessing the chances of all of us getting together again could be counted on my hands. People are picking up and moving out. It’s strange.

Today I just felt resistance to growing up. Strong resistance. Because growing up means letting go and there’s just some stuff that I don’t want to let go of, you know? In due time, I suppose. I just think back to the circles I used to run in and I don’t remember when the circles changed. I think back at all of my closest friends and how I barely know them anymore. (Except for one or two!) But schools change, classes change, jobs change, locations change, and hearts change.

Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever get used to it. I still think about all my best friends from junior high, high school ,and college and wonder what went wrong. But, in most cases, I’m sure nothing went wrong. That’s just how life works. People walk in and out. No wonder people yearn for something solid to stand on.

The prodigal Asian returns to Lubbock.

In my sins, I have wronged a lot of people. A lot of these people are actually my friends. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that I was right and they were wrong, or that I was somehow better than them and earned the right to say and do a lot of things they didn’t deserve. I slowly became someone with characteristics I’ve always despised. Among these characteristics were anger, bitterness, jealousy, and selfishness - things we all deal with on a normal basis, but somehow I invited these attributes into my heart and in my heart they thrived. It was ugly.

Thankfully, about two weeks ago, I finally said, “Okay, God. You can open my eyes now and let me see who I am and who I need to become.”

Oh man, it sucked. It sucked to admit I was guilty of all of the above. It sucked that I didn’t have to look very hard to see the darkness I let breed inside. I was confused - Confused that only a year ago, I felt a very pure and noble plan put into my heart and in the midst of carrying out these plans, I mucked up along the way. And oh man, failure. When I opened my eyes, I saw failure written all over and of course I started to wonder, “Why? God why did you tell me to do something knowing I would be in this moment, broken again?”

Last week, I started to listen to some sermons by a friend’s husband in between jobs. One of them was about the sovereignty of the Lord. It brought up that question, “If God’s so good, why does He let bad things happen?” I had heard an answer concerning this question and the issue of world health - starvation, disease, etc. “If God’s so good, why are there starving people all over the world?” Answer was, “Well, we are His hands and feet, aren’t we?” I thought it was a good answer. However, after listening to the sermon, I think there’s a bigger answer than that although we shouldn’t totally ignore the previous answer. Since I was driving, I didn’t get to write the verse down, but basically, God’s going to get stuff done with or without our help. If He wants to rid the world of AIDS, He is capable of doing so right now without help from any of the world’s greatest doctors and researchers. So why doesn’t He? Why does He let disease run amuck, why does He let innocent children starve, and why did He lead me into a valley so deep?

I’ve learned and re-learned two things.
1. His ways are not our ways.
It is obvious we are not gods. There are things definitely out of control and never will be in our control, so it obvious to me that I am not a god nor is anyone else I’m bound to meet here on Earth. But sometimes He reveals His glory, His infinite wisdom to me - but in His timing. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the full reason He created me on that fateful day almost twenty-four years ago and I doubt He’ll give me the complete answer ’til I see Him. But I can see a few times where He’s guided me through certain “downs” only so He could mold me and then lead me to certain “ups” - He’ll let me see a few answers to my cries of “Why?” But sometimes He won’t. We all forget there is a bigger picture than the here and now.

2. “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” Matthew 11:6
So we have to accept the fact that we don’t always understand His ways. Oh man, was I offended the night I decided to let His ways take precendence over my current events. I didn’t understand a lick of it. But one of the friends I had burned before said, “You know what? Did you ever stop to think that the reason He called you to do this wasn’t to get to Point X but maybe to Point Y, Point Y being a lesson of strengthening, patience, and learning to trust the Lord?” I said told her I would rather much trade Point Y for Point X, but these past two weeks have been weeks of slow and steady progress. Of healing. Of learning to let go of trying to understand it all. Of forgiveness.

This past weekend I went to Lubbock for a friend’s graduation and spent my time with all of the friends I had snubbed and hurt. And just like the prodigal son, instead of being met with my own medicine, there were hugs, high fives, quality time, and healing. I walked in and it was like I never left. We picked up where we left off, but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a lot more appreciative of all the things God’s led us through as a group.

Thank you, Jesus. To modify Luke 15:32,
“But we had to celebrate and be glad, because [Nina] was dead and is alive again; [she] was lost and is found.

Flocking.

My apologies if you were waiting on my recap of The Sounds concert or maybe if you were hoping to see more 365 posts. I’ve made my life a little busier, most likely on purpose, and not yet sure if it’s a good thing or not. I am in the process of creating a mini recording studio in my dining room which I’ll probably post about later. Since I haven’t gotten my mics in but bought my keyboard, I’ve been making mad beats. Well, maybe more like quasi-mad.

I’ve noticed I’m heavily influenced by who I’m around. Okay. So I’ve noticed that everyone is heavily influenced by who they are around. And right now, I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. I know it’s created to be a good thing, but at this point in my life, it kinda really isn’t. Bad people affecting not-so-bad people affecting semi-good people, etc. That’s how I kind of see the chain. And by bad people, I mean people with bad habits and lifestyles, you know?

So I was trying to figure out how I got between this rock and this hard place and I thought, “birds of a feather flock together.” And I thought, “But I don’t have some of these crazy feathers.” But a long time ago, I did have a lot more in common with these people than it feels like now. And I end up putting up a front, trying to fit into this new mold. Truth is, I can’t fit in this mold. I wasn’t made to fit in molds. I was made to be “set apart.” Then this Scripture popped into my head:

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” //John 15:18-19

Oh, there’s more and it’s good. Convictingly good.

I’ll admit it. At the moment, I’m very much in love with the world, but this relationship is extremely flawed. I will never be good enough for the world and it will never be good enough for me. We will never satisfy each other. So, of course, this relationship makes no sense, right? It makes no sense compared to the relationship I have had with God the Father, who created me. And to Him, I cannot be flawed since He is flawless, correct? White as snow, yeah? Where He can fulfill every single desire I have and I can fulfill His desires by simply loving Him. Sounds a bit easier. Oh, I’ll make it harder, no doubt, but why do I always shy away?

It’s my “need” to be “cool,” that’s what. I read an article by Tara Leigh Cobble (amazing songwriter, hilarious in concert) about her mad obsession with shoes. She packs an extra suitcase when she tours just for her shoes. She even bought a special pair because she knew this dude she liked was going to be at her show and she wanted that extra point of attraction. But then Tara came to the realization that shoes won’t make people love her. That’s what I’ve been doing. That’s what everyone has been doing. Trying to find the right pair of shoes to make certain people love them, if you will.

But in the grand scheme of things, shallow attractions will attract shallow relationships. And I don’t want to waste my time with those. Doesn’t mean I want to toss all of those relationships in the trash. Maybe it means I want a deeper relationship with people. And how do I dig deeper? By tossing the “shoes” and striving to just be me. To just accept who I am and also to accept the fact that I am God’s child and so is everyone else.

It’s late, but I’m sure I’ll keep on talking about this later.