Pride and punishment.

This week has been going in the right direction. It started off with a super face kick at church, when Matt continued his series on Luke, specifically focusing on humility and PRIDE. I left feeling really confused as to which one I belong to, as if I said I was rather humble, that alone would qualify me for being prideful! I decided it would be best not to choose either and just be mindful of both. However, the sermon is now sinking in more and I’m starting to see where pride reigns over my life. It’s awesome. If you like getting your teeth pulled. I mean, hooray for sanctification!

I’m super itching for change and started making a few this week. We’ll see how long I keep it up and then I’ll let you know what changes are happening around here. Well, aside from the blog layout change, ha ha. I’m growing discontent with being content. I think I’m just growing. We’ll see.

Tomorrow is the Dashboard Confessional Solo concert with Ralston and Augustana. I’m stoked. I’ve been listening to DC all week and have the new album and happened to acquire the tour-only accessible Wire Tapes, Vol. 1 album with cover songs. Although I think I might be outgrowing the emo genre, it still inspires me to go and write music that means something. Writing more music is definitely on the “To Do, For Real” list.

Time to take care of some things, but hopefully I’ll report more growth next time ’round.

Sufferings and infections.

People that saw me today had the same general reaction. “Oh my gosh, is that contagious?!” with a subconscious step back. Oh, and complete with a look of total disgust, unhidden, on their faces. It was fantastic.

Last Tuesday was a really great day, mainly because I finally got to see Jimmy Eat World live in an intimate, acoustic setting with a good friend after some good pizza. I had a grin on my face the whole night. Except there was a scrape on my arm that itched like a mofo. I commented about it several times to my friend, but just thinking my skin was acting dumb like it sometimes does.

The next day was worse. And then Thursday it became very apparent that my skin was not just acting dumb, but it was severely pissed off. The scratch on my arm had somehow spread to my other arm and then started to make its way to my legs. The bumps were almost like pimples, itchy, itchy pimples.

Cut to the chase, I was going out of town for work on Friday and I needed to find out if it was contagious (I really thought I had chicken pox). Two hours and $150 later, the doctor took one glance at me and said, “That is poison ivy.”

Two weeks beforehand, I had helped out at Transform, my church’s local summer missions project in inner city Dallas. I had the privilege of helping a sweet old lady named Irene clean up her backyard. I remember three things she said:

- “I don’t like chicken. I like pork chops.”

- “I wonder if there is still weed out here.” (no, she was not referring to the weeds that had overcome her backyard)

- “Watch out for poison ivy.”

I had never seen poison ivy before, but didn’t really see any “leaves of three.” So I didn’t let anything be. Oops.

This could not have happened at a better time. I set out for Asia next week for a short-term mission trip and had been warned about spiritual warfare. I don’t doubt this is part of some crazy plan to shape up and talk to the Lord more. Also, when my team saw my afflictions today, one team member smiled and said, “Praise God! Suffering in the Lord’s name!” I smiled because this very thought is only thing that’s keeping me from breaking down and taking Benedryl to sleep the week away, in hopes to awake with no more blisters on my skin.

Also, after the meeting, I went to church in which Matt Chandler spoke on I Peter 5:6-10.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Chandler reminded us that although some may build their house on foundation of sand and others rock, both will hit by the storm. Suffering is undeniable and usually necessary - to remind us that we are small and helpless, to humble us, and so that God, at the proper time, will exalt us.

So here I am, feeling very unprepared for this trip, insufficient, and itchy, but what better place to be than at the feet of Jesus, humbled, weak, and thankful?

p.s. - I almost took a picture of the massive blisters on my arm, but decided it was not for the faint of heart. Or for anyone else.

Let’s wrestle.

I just listened to a lengthy, intense sermon on election/predestination. While I’m not even going to try and comment on that yet, I thought Matt Chandler’s closing thoughts were eerily close to my last post.

All I’m telling you is that you got two choices when it comes to the word of God. You can read it and wrestle through and submit it or you can rail against it. Or, there is a third, you can be indifferent. But where there is indifference to the revealed word of God, I’ve got some questions about the state of your heart. So wrestle. Wrestle on.

I’ll find time to catch up on posts later, but in the meantime, ask questions. You’ll find that they all lead to one place. But just a heads up, that one place will answer your questions with even more questions.

That’s the infinite nature of God.

(You can listen and read the sermon I just listened to here.)

Great Wall of Nina.

I haven’t posted in awhile, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking myself into craziness. August was marked as my month to relax and although I did take a week off from work to spend in exotic Lubbock, Texas, I think that’s what spurred the latest bouts of thoughts. It’s amazing how much your mind has to say when you’re not concentrating on work or school and the like.

I’ve got too much to say and it’s bedtime, but I thought it was important to say that these past weeks have been weeks of tremendous growth. Now, here’s where I admit that in these past weeks I also feel like I had a few tremendous falls, but it’s okay. Valleys are just as important as mountains.

So what have I been learning? I’ve always harped on my friends for not being honest, hiding their sins, never willing to really just sit down and open up. Welp. I’m a black pot and my friends are black kettles. I let my guard down a little, a few bricks off my Great Wall if you will, and opened up a big jar of ugly recently. Things I thought I had successfully swept under the rug came out and surprised me and a few of the people who have happened to talk to me these past weeks. I realized that just because I am not dealing with certain issues in my life doesn’t mean those issues aren’t still waiting to rear their ugly heads at me when the time’s just right.

And that’s just the problem. Not only are we black pots and kettles, but we’re great at sweeping things under the rug. I believe that people were created to be in community with each other. You can’t argue with that because hey, obviously there is a reason there is more than one human alive, right? But can community truly exist if we’re keeping to ourselves? Since when did we get so scared of letting others get to know us, to love us?

Pastor Matt Chandler recently said something along the lines of people not needing professional counselors and therapists if we could all just learn how to communicate with each other. Someone said to me, “Duh, that’s why I’m going. I suck at communicating.” Somewhere on everyone’s timeline, we have learned to be scared of communicating. We have learned to fear not being accepted.

I have never, ever met a person (or heard of one) who has opened up a big dirty jar of ugly and had everyone leave them to die on an island alone. So why are we so insanely scared?

In my recent steps to opening up, I have been met with different responses. Most have been caught off guard by the fact that I can actually be the talker and not the listener for once. It’s scary, saying something and grimacing at the thought of awkward silence, ridicule, or total rejection. You’d be surprised though. You’ve be surprised that people just want to open up too. It’s too early to say, but I hope it’s like a domino effect. Like a domino effect and like a fine wine. Just keeps going and gets better as time goes on.

I think it’s only when we do the heavy duty housekeeping when we start to realize how broken we are. I know it’s that way for me. If someone looks like they’ve got it together, they are either great at manipulating others and their own selves into thinking they’ve got it good or they have come to grips that they are broken and in need of constant grace. And until we finally admit to each other that we’re messed up, that we have no answers, community will always be out of reach, friendships will be stagnate, and we will continue being unsatisfied with what we’ve been given.

Why hold back? Why be scared? You want to be loved, so lay it all out there so you can really be loved, every ugly beautiful inch of you.

Q&Q.

I’ve recently discovered the wonder that is podcasting. At first, I thought it was a way for every Joe Blow to have his own amateur show, complete with low-end production and boringness. I may be right somewhere, but I hit gold the other day. I discovered that I could listen to Matt Chandler’s sermons at my home, anytime. (Matt Chandler being the pastor at The Village, the church I have been attending.) If that wasn’t awesome enough, I checked out Mars Hill’s video podcasts and have been watching Mark Driscoll’s sermons. Way cool because my lack of attention span totally digs the visuals.

Anyway, I listened to Chandler speak on Hebrews 3:1-11 and “home.” I love Chandler’s approach to Scripture. Break it down, verse by verse and really take the time to digest each word. I never realized how much I was missing out by merely reading the Scriptures. But what caught my interest was his “current” affairs (the sermon was in February); a family close to him had an eight-year old daughter with leukemia and she was not doing well at all. His voice cracked as he admitted his heartbreak as well as his beef with God. That question, “Why?” Why does God allow stuff like this to happen? Little girls with leukemia, bystanders killed during wars, drunk drivers surviving wrecks that were fatal for others…

I won’t argue. It seems like a good question to keep people from following Jesus Christ. If God is in complete power, that means He let that crappy stuff happen on purpose. And who wants to believe that? Who wants to believe God is love when crap happens? It’s tough. I’ve seen it create such a bitterness in people’s hearts that they decide to pile on the bricks, to create that wall between self and God. Sometimes the walls are small, perhaps creating a friction between the already existing relationship with Christ. But sometimes the walls are so big because the heart is so battered with “whys” and Christ is never even given a chance.

As Rob Bell said in Velvet Elvis, everyone is a believer. As I believe God sacrificed His only son in order to save man from the death of sin, to create a relationship with man, atheists believe that everything exists because of some complete randomness, they believe the odds favored everything aligning and becoming what the world is today, and that there is nothing after death. Well, for the sake of this post, let’s say there is a God. And let’s say He is completely sovereign (because hey, He wouldn’t be God unless He was in complete control, right?) So things that happen? They are completely from Him. Even the bad stuff. God’s existance is everywhere. Not only in the good, but in the “bad.” To separate God from certain events is to say He’s not in charge. And for the sake of this post, I’ll remind you that there is a God. And He is completely sovereign. So He’s in the good and the bad.

So let’s say God cares about us. He created us. I mean, people don’t tend to create stuff just to hate it, right? And let’s say He cares, so naturally, He’d want to be in relationships with us. Now all of us know it is a tough thing to befriend people we don’t have things in common with, people that don’t agree with our lives completely. Same thing with God. It’s tough to start a relationship with God because He seems hard to understand, to figure out. But He knows this. So let’s say God creates an example of how we should be (while embracing our uniqueness — God wasn’t saying we should all be carpenters) so that we can be in perfect relationship with Him, so we can begin to relate to Him, understand Him, figure Him out. He creates a Way.

You either follow the Way and pursue a relationship with the Creator or you resist the way, deny the relationship, and basically refuse to live fully the life we were created to live. He creates us in a certain way and if we refuse to acknowledge the Creator, we are going to come across things everyday that will never make sense, we will go against the grain and eventually become worn down and defeated.

Some people think Christians are crazy. I think people who don’t believe in a god are crazier because seriously, I cannot imagine putting my faith in chance and chance alone. I acknowledge there is a God and that He’s shown us a Way through Jesus Christ. I can either follow the Way or deny my design.

So let’s say you’re like me. You’re following the Way. People have this misconception that when you become a Christian, things suddenly are awesomely awesome. I mean, you’re on God’s side now, He’s going to award you for that, right? People also have this misconception that Christians are perfect or at least act like they are. These are misconceptions. Things that happen in the world, good and bad, are still going to happen. I’m still a sinner, I still screw up everyday, and I’m quick to admit all this.

But it’s how the Way changes your heart that is the difference.

I’ve come to the realization that people say they believe in Jesus Christ, but there’s a difference between saying, “Yes, I believe in God and yes, I believe the Bible is true” and saying, “Ditto, but in addition to that, I’m going to live according to the Word, I am going to pursue this relationship with Christ, and I am going to let God transform my heart.” Huge difference. HUGE.

So how does this long ramble help answer the question, “Why do bad things happen?” It doesn’t, really. Rob Bell puts it very well in the first chapter of Velvet Elvis when he pointed out the fact that questions are essential to Christianity. It means you admit that you are not a god and that you are seeking who is. And if you know who is, then you come to the realization that due to the infinite nature of God, your questions — well, they are only answered with even more questions. And as frustrating and truly crazy that may sound, I found that when I allow the questions to continue rolling, I find satisfaction. I find a peace. I find an interaction with the God who created me.

I can keep asking, “Why do bad things happen?” or I can accept the fact that “bad” things happen, God is still sovereign in all things, and ask different questions. How can I continue to press on and follow the Way? How can I open my eyes to see the beauty in the “bad,” the “blessings in disguise?” Where can I find the strength to endure it all?

I’m not saying I had any answers in this post, or any answers at all at anytime. I’m just saying I’ve found myself falling in love with questions with the Infinite. And I invite all of you to join in this crazy adventure to dig deeper.

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An update to my previous post: A friend reported rain in Lubbock Thursday night. Apparently, people started praying before the Sunday gathering and God decided to jump the gun too. I wonder if they will still come together in prayer Sunday.