I need a kick in the pants.

For the past week or so, I’ve had to remind myself over and over again that my feelings are variables and my God is the only constant.

I feel like I’m in a brief season of numbness which I’m not sure is any better than the rollercoaster of feelings I’ve been through the past few months. It’s almost like indifference, but with angst. Is that possible?

I see people around me with PASSION for things - work, relationships, friendships, TV shows, music, self-improvement - and while I applaud (usually with jealousy) their energy and efforts, my brain thinks, “Most of these people are putting their lives into something under the sun. And someday both those people and their passions will be laid to rest.” But what have I been doing? Have I not been listening during church as Matt has been trying to get to the bottom of this problem… how come men in the Scriptures so passionately followed Jesus, wholeheartedly obeyed God, and fought tooth and nail against the flesh and for our Constant Truth? What happened to us? Why don’t we see that passion anymore? Anyway, my brain has been wanting to hibernate, but those questions still loom over my head.

Another statement that looms: Don’t let church (Christianity) be a hobby. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a good test taker. I can soak up loads of info the night before and vomit as needed the next day. But ask me about what I soaked up a month later and chances are my peanut brain erased the info. I’m afraid that I look at my beliefs more as hobbies than truths that I am very passionate about. Am I listening to sermons just for knowledge’s sake? Am I attending church just for show? Am I talking about social issues to have others think I’m a very considerate and selfless individual? Yes, I’m aware that this is probably the devil planting seeds of doubt in my head, or maybe it’s God saying, “I don’t think you’ve picked a god. You can’t serve both. Or many. After you pick, you pursue this god with all you’ve got because what else is there to live for?” Lukewarm, He’ll spit you out of His mouth, right?

I know Derek Webb wrote “Wedding Dress” about the Church, but I feel like that whore he sings about. Like I want a relationship with Jesus with all the benefits, but without all the responsibility. I want to be able to sin it up then expect Jesus to welcome me back with open arms — but I can’t comprehend Grace. I want to love God and love others, but without all the time, effort, tears, pain, and sacrifices.

Ramble, ramble, ramble. I need a vacation. And I want God to make Himself known to me in such a way that I’ll be excited to get back from my vacation and get busy living.

Tough cookies.

Yep. So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had some free time for myself to sit and think about things. I wish I could say New Year’s came and went without a bang, but it definitely was an eventful night. Don’t you ever have those “inklings” that certain things would happen and you either 1) agree with these inklings or 2) disagree with these inklings. Sometimes you get these mini-inklings like knowing what someone may say word for word or that someone is about to walk through the door or give you a call. But sometimes these inklings are deeply rooted in our hearts; they come days in advance and are basically hovering over your head, tugging at your every being to make decisions now or eat the consequences later. Well, long story short, I decided to neither agree or disagree and just waited for the consequences to come.

I’m not sure if you could say I disobeyed God, but I feel that my inactions showed my lukewarm tendencies. However, through the bruises and cuts as well as the sharp words and wounded hearts, I felt that God was in control even though things seemed out of control. Things are still out of my control and it’s something I have to remind myself every day…

I am not in control.

I have responsibilities and there are consequences to all of my decisions, but ultimately, there is a plan much bigger than myself. When most people see that, they are scared. People don’t like to be out of control. Just ask all of my crazy screaming customers. They just hate knowing there are certain rules and regulations set that don’t conform to their liking. So when some people realize that God deals all the cards and they are dealt a bad hand, they become bitter. They start asking questions like “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” That’s the problem. The use of “me” and “I.” The failure to realize there is a bigger picture than what we see and feel each day. The self-absorbed, self-centered notions we were basically born with. Me, me, me.

But we ALL have the choice to think bigger. We all hit the realization that maybe life is more than our own individual lives at least once in our lifetime. There are other hearts beating, other dreams and fears, and other lives than our own. And we can’t all be self-absorbed and self-centered. Chew on that for a second. I think the world would slowly implode if that were true. If God was our genie and we all got our wishes… As satisfying as having everything we wanted come true, I think life would become even moreso unsatisfying.

We have to trust the dealer. We have to think bigger. Life is more than what is happening to us, life is more than our time here on earth. God is more than the card dealer and knows that sometimes our wants and desires aren’t what’s best for us. He’s the one that created us, don’t you think that He’d know what we needed more than we do?

But that’s a tough cookie for some to handle. And to me, getting others to realize that is my tough cookie to chew on. Then, God pats me on the head and says, “You know what? I appreciate you trying to spread the Truth around, but you do have a tendency to muck up things, so just rely on Me a little bit.” And eventually, eventually that’s all we can do. Rely on Him.