Pride and punishment.

This week has been going in the right direction. It started off with a super face kick at church, when Matt continued his series on Luke, specifically focusing on humility and PRIDE. I left feeling really confused as to which one I belong to, as if I said I was rather humble, that alone would qualify me for being prideful! I decided it would be best not to choose either and just be mindful of both. However, the sermon is now sinking in more and I’m starting to see where pride reigns over my life. It’s awesome. If you like getting your teeth pulled. I mean, hooray for sanctification!

I’m super itching for change and started making a few this week. We’ll see how long I keep it up and then I’ll let you know what changes are happening around here. Well, aside from the blog layout change, ha ha. I’m growing discontent with being content. I think I’m just growing. We’ll see.

Tomorrow is the Dashboard Confessional Solo concert with Ralston and Augustana. I’m stoked. I’ve been listening to DC all week and have the new album and happened to acquire the tour-only accessible Wire Tapes, Vol. 1 album with cover songs. Although I think I might be outgrowing the emo genre, it still inspires me to go and write music that means something. Writing more music is definitely on the “To Do, For Real” list.

Time to take care of some things, but hopefully I’ll report more growth next time ’round.

An apology.

I ran out of rented movies and the weather is telling me to stay inside, so I flipped on the TV in hopes to find something to watch this afternoon. There’s slim pickins on TWC’s On Demand (I miss you, Comcast!) but there was something under the Sundance Channel that caught my eye. Read more »

The prodigal Asian returns to Lubbock.

In my sins, I have wronged a lot of people. A lot of these people are actually my friends. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that I was right and they were wrong, or that I was somehow better than them and earned the right to say and do a lot of things they didn’t deserve. I slowly became someone with characteristics I’ve always despised. Among these characteristics were anger, bitterness, jealousy, and selfishness - things we all deal with on a normal basis, but somehow I invited these attributes into my heart and in my heart they thrived. It was ugly.

Thankfully, about two weeks ago, I finally said, “Okay, God. You can open my eyes now and let me see who I am and who I need to become.”

Oh man, it sucked. It sucked to admit I was guilty of all of the above. It sucked that I didn’t have to look very hard to see the darkness I let breed inside. I was confused - Confused that only a year ago, I felt a very pure and noble plan put into my heart and in the midst of carrying out these plans, I mucked up along the way. And oh man, failure. When I opened my eyes, I saw failure written all over and of course I started to wonder, “Why? God why did you tell me to do something knowing I would be in this moment, broken again?”

Last week, I started to listen to some sermons by a friend’s husband in between jobs. One of them was about the sovereignty of the Lord. It brought up that question, “If God’s so good, why does He let bad things happen?” I had heard an answer concerning this question and the issue of world health - starvation, disease, etc. “If God’s so good, why are there starving people all over the world?” Answer was, “Well, we are His hands and feet, aren’t we?” I thought it was a good answer. However, after listening to the sermon, I think there’s a bigger answer than that although we shouldn’t totally ignore the previous answer. Since I was driving, I didn’t get to write the verse down, but basically, God’s going to get stuff done with or without our help. If He wants to rid the world of AIDS, He is capable of doing so right now without help from any of the world’s greatest doctors and researchers. So why doesn’t He? Why does He let disease run amuck, why does He let innocent children starve, and why did He lead me into a valley so deep?

I’ve learned and re-learned two things.
1. His ways are not our ways.
It is obvious we are not gods. There are things definitely out of control and never will be in our control, so it obvious to me that I am not a god nor is anyone else I’m bound to meet here on Earth. But sometimes He reveals His glory, His infinite wisdom to me - but in His timing. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the full reason He created me on that fateful day almost twenty-four years ago and I doubt He’ll give me the complete answer ’til I see Him. But I can see a few times where He’s guided me through certain “downs” only so He could mold me and then lead me to certain “ups” - He’ll let me see a few answers to my cries of “Why?” But sometimes He won’t. We all forget there is a bigger picture than the here and now.

2. “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” Matthew 11:6
So we have to accept the fact that we don’t always understand His ways. Oh man, was I offended the night I decided to let His ways take precendence over my current events. I didn’t understand a lick of it. But one of the friends I had burned before said, “You know what? Did you ever stop to think that the reason He called you to do this wasn’t to get to Point X but maybe to Point Y, Point Y being a lesson of strengthening, patience, and learning to trust the Lord?” I said told her I would rather much trade Point Y for Point X, but these past two weeks have been weeks of slow and steady progress. Of healing. Of learning to let go of trying to understand it all. Of forgiveness.

This past weekend I went to Lubbock for a friend’s graduation and spent my time with all of the friends I had snubbed and hurt. And just like the prodigal son, instead of being met with my own medicine, there were hugs, high fives, quality time, and healing. I walked in and it was like I never left. We picked up where we left off, but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a lot more appreciative of all the things God’s led us through as a group.

Thank you, Jesus. To modify Luke 15:32,
“But we had to celebrate and be glad, because [Nina] was dead and is alive again; [she] was lost and is found.

Obligatory V-Day Post!

Melancholy. I’ve actually seen this word on two separate occasions today, mentioned by two separate people about this very day, this very holiday. I don’t think it’s strictly a Valentine’s Day thing, although I’ll say the Valentine’s Day aisle at Wal-Mart isn’t fit for an insecure single person, but usually just another holiday thing and you know how holidays make some people feel. I’ll have to admit, for some crazy reason, I fell victim to the V-Day blues, but I knew it was just a crazy trick to make me think my God is not sufficient for me. It kinda sorta worked, but I’d like to think I can be smarter than the devil sometimes.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but I took a hiatus from all things good for me, I guess. But I’m back on my feet and since it’s Valentine’s, I guess I’ll talk about love. It’s actually very fitting considering all things in my life, but since most of you don’t know everything about me, you’ll just have to trust me on that one. And no, for once, I will not pull out good ol’ I Cor 13.

Last Sunday, I went to church and God slapped me upside the head with love, love, love. I needed it too. We read through Luke 6:27-36. To sum it up, Jesus says crazy things about love. I’m not being blasphemous when I say that, but really, it’s crazy stuff. Get slapped? Well, turn the other cheek so it’s easier for them to slap you again! Somebody need your jacket? Offer them the very shirt off your back too. Sounds like an invitation to be walked on, huh? But God calls us to give so much more, to love so much more. Even sinners do good to others. But to be holy, to be “set apart” from the world, we need to do more than good. And to truly love, we need to be selfless.

Using Luke 6, we broke “tough love” into four principles, increasing in order:
(31) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
(27-29) Do good unto others even when they mistreat you.
(35) Do good unto others without looking to humans for your reward.
(35-36) Do unto others as God has done for you.

“Tough love” meaning it really is tough to truly love. It can be relatively easy to follow the golden rule. But to hold to it after someone’s done you wrong? Or when no one seems to notice you pouring yourself out? Or to do what God has done to us to others — among many, many things, self-sacrifice?

What Jesus was talking about in Luke 6 was what we should do for our enemies. How much more should we sacrifice for our family and friends! I’ve never been a big fan of giving up on friendships easily or understanding the fact that friends come and go, so I doubt I’ll forget what was said on Sunday, “Relationship burnout is due to self-interest and self-seeking.” Chew on that for a day or two.

I guess this Valentine’s Day, I wanted to focus less on the fact that I didn’t really have a valentine and having that feeling of “not being loved” and wanted to make sure that I know what love is, that I am very capable of loving, and that I have so much love to give and there are so many people out there to be loved. Love is tough, but I think once you get over yourself and the mindset of “What about me?” then love could be as easy as pie. Mmm, pie.