Legalism’s a bitch.

The baptism went extremely well - I had so much support, so much love flowing into me, that when it came time to share my testimony in front of the church, I just felt love flow out. Thanks to everyone who came out and thanks to those who couldn’t, but sent their words of congrats.

I definitely hit a spiritual high, but knew that to every high, there is a low. It’s in the valley where things grow, so although it’s been a trying time, I know I am just being refined.

I grew up in the Catholic church and got the notion in my head that for every bad thing I did, it was a notch — The more notches, the more certain I knew I’d go to Hell for what I’ve done. However, I could go to confession, spill my guts, and the priest would give me penance. Penance was usually the same - Ten Holy Marys and one One Father. After my prayers, my notches were supposed to be wiped clean. But, even in my young age, I had a feeling there was more to life than this.

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That’s a thinker.

I started reading The Ragamuffin Gospel because all my friends had told me about what a good book it was a few years back. People would ask for it all the time when I worked at Family Christian. So now, years later, I decided to hop on the bandwagon and get to reading it. I’ve only read the first chapter, but I couldn’t go any further. What Brendan Manning touched upon was simply too much for my feeble mind to digest. It’s always been something my mind and heart could never fully grasp.

Grace.

Manning mentioned how we throw around the word “grace” nowadays. I can’t imagine I’d argue with that, I always talk about how the word “love” and “hate” are thrown around without people really understanding how powerful those words are. I think the word “grace” is probably just as powerful, huh? And just how powerful is grace?

As hard as I try to fight legalism, I always end up back to where I started. Making life into one big chart, the ones we had in elementary school where if you had enough checkmarks at the end of the list, you got an Atomic Fireball. Well, on my big chart, prizes include love, meaningful relationships, and eternal life. Everytime I run into a problem in my life, I can always trace it back to me just wanting to work for what I’ve got. Call it my hardworking Asian ethics, but I guess I like that extra zing I get when I reach that temporary peak of happiness, whether it be attached to a friendship, my job, or even my spirituality.

Grace renders my big chart useless. It basically renders all my hard work useless. Because it’s not because of what I do, it’s because of who I am. And I am God’s child. I’m His kiddo. He’s going to take care of me no matter what. That’s not the hard part to grasp though. I think the harder part to grasp sometimes is that He’s going to take care of everyone no matter what. The drunks, the gays, the politically corrupt, the abusers, the addicts, and even those who have hated Him… He’s going to take care of them too. One day in Heaven, I may be sitting at the Lord’s table next to some drunk dude I met at a party that I didn’t care for because he was all over my friends. Or maybe by some famous murderer, covered with tattoos of hate, who was known for raping children and killing their families. Who knows?

Sometimes thinking about this rubs me the wrong way. It depends on my mood. Sometimes I like my big chart. I like to know I’m being a good kid and that I’m better than a lot of the kids that don’t even have checkmarks. But enter grace and out goes my chart. My big question then is, “Why even bother being good?!” If no one is really keeping track and I have already accepted Christ into my heart years ago, then can’t I just be another heathen and live how I want to?

Well, I guess my big answer that I already know is, yes. Yes I could. But then the second part to my answer is a question: Did I really accept Christ into my heart years ago, and if so, do I still love Him? My personal answers to these questions are yes and yes. Oh, there’s the kicker. I love Christ. As much as I hate to admit it sometimes, it’s true. I can live in the world and love all the shiny fun things it has to offer, but everytime those shiny things fade, I go back. I go back to my First Love. I hate to admit it because I definitely don’t live like I love Him. That’s when I want to bring the chart back to show everyone I do love Him, but those marks are for show. They are all in vain. Maybe a few of those were in His name, but for a good majority of it, it wasn’t.

Yes I can live anyway I want to. But I love Him. And when you love someone, you ravish them with gifts. These don’t have to be material things, understand. You can give them your time, your thoughts, your belongings. Things that are so important to you, giving them away would be a sacrifice. And the more you love someone, the more you tend to give, right? We won’t draw a chart up for that right now, but we’ll just say I’m working on it.

I’ve still got a long way to go before my heart and mind will grasp this concept of grace. But I imagine when I finally let it begin to really soak in, I will be truly free to love.