On hold.

Thanks Dwight for the comment, reminding me to call Time Warner so they could reimburse me for all the cable TV I didn’t watch in May. That’s what I’m doing right now - I’ve got TWC on speakerphone, although there is no hold music. I’m wondering if I picked the wrong menu option - the black hole option - or if the hold music is broken, just like my cable TV was.

I went to bed as a Debbie Downer last night and actually woke up early - which is confusing. I wasn’t sure what today would bring, but it came out… THE SUN came out and stayed out! This was also confusing since there has been a gray cloud over my head all month. So, full of confusion, I decided to try and look at things half-full today. I think it was mainly due to the sun, but it ended up being a good day. Read more »

Why circles suck.

I’ve been thinkin’. This whole month I’ve been studying Ecclesiastes, observing life in general, and picking apart my own life. If you ever want an early mid-mid-life crisis, read Ecclesiastes, ha ha.

A friend and I had a discussion once about circles. She would comment on how everything seems to come around “full circle.” And that didn’t jive with me. Something in my inner most being hated thinking that life and the little circles within life started at point A and will end at point A. I even came up with my own little theory that maybe life is more like an EKG; you start at point A, have a load of ups and downs, but grow, progress, and end at point B. The very fact that we didn’t end up in the same place made my little heart a little happier.

But then I read Ecclesiastes and in the very first chapter, Solomon, the second wisest dude to have ever walked the planet basically said, LIFE IS A CIRCLE. The sun comes up, goes down, comes up. I eat, but ten minutes later I’m hungry again. I get clean and ready so I can get clean and ready the next day. And the next. And the… well, you see why my inner most being hated her “full circle” comment. You end up feeling stuck in a rut. And no one likes a rut.

Solomon is pretty much a Debbie Downer for a good part of Ecclesiastes. “Vanity of vanities!” “Everything is meaningless!” We can dress to impress, reach a fine status quo, work hard, play hard, but what the heck for? You and I, whoever you may be, we’re going to end up in the same place. Dead. Full circle. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, right?

I picture people as little squirrels, gathering up our little nuts like mad, some of us succeeding in making huge, huge piles. And some of us envy those big piles and some of us keep to ourselves, just gathering enough to get by. But then we die, leaving our piles behind, huge and small. That’s it. Rinse, rather, repeat with the next generation, the next batch of nut-gathering animals. Poor little squirrels. Perhaps we’re related to the hamster in the wheel?

Anyway. I kept reading Ecclesiastes and got bummed out. But then I realized that Ecclesiastes wasn’t the end all. Solomon merely asked all the right questions but even with all that wisdom, could not find the right answers.

The answer came later.

There is a way to break out of the neverending circles. There is a way to find meaning in a seemingly meaningless life. There is a way. It’s hope. Hope that there’s something more out there than what’s under the sun. It’s only then when we can start to look outside of the circle, beyond the sun, and learn to truly enjoy life.

Sounds easy enough, right?

Great Wall of Nina.

I haven’t posted in awhile, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking myself into craziness. August was marked as my month to relax and although I did take a week off from work to spend in exotic Lubbock, Texas, I think that’s what spurred the latest bouts of thoughts. It’s amazing how much your mind has to say when you’re not concentrating on work or school and the like.

I’ve got too much to say and it’s bedtime, but I thought it was important to say that these past weeks have been weeks of tremendous growth. Now, here’s where I admit that in these past weeks I also feel like I had a few tremendous falls, but it’s okay. Valleys are just as important as mountains.

So what have I been learning? I’ve always harped on my friends for not being honest, hiding their sins, never willing to really just sit down and open up. Welp. I’m a black pot and my friends are black kettles. I let my guard down a little, a few bricks off my Great Wall if you will, and opened up a big jar of ugly recently. Things I thought I had successfully swept under the rug came out and surprised me and a few of the people who have happened to talk to me these past weeks. I realized that just because I am not dealing with certain issues in my life doesn’t mean those issues aren’t still waiting to rear their ugly heads at me when the time’s just right.

And that’s just the problem. Not only are we black pots and kettles, but we’re great at sweeping things under the rug. I believe that people were created to be in community with each other. You can’t argue with that because hey, obviously there is a reason there is more than one human alive, right? But can community truly exist if we’re keeping to ourselves? Since when did we get so scared of letting others get to know us, to love us?

Pastor Matt Chandler recently said something along the lines of people not needing professional counselors and therapists if we could all just learn how to communicate with each other. Someone said to me, “Duh, that’s why I’m going. I suck at communicating.” Somewhere on everyone’s timeline, we have learned to be scared of communicating. We have learned to fear not being accepted.

I have never, ever met a person (or heard of one) who has opened up a big dirty jar of ugly and had everyone leave them to die on an island alone. So why are we so insanely scared?

In my recent steps to opening up, I have been met with different responses. Most have been caught off guard by the fact that I can actually be the talker and not the listener for once. It’s scary, saying something and grimacing at the thought of awkward silence, ridicule, or total rejection. You’d be surprised though. You’ve be surprised that people just want to open up too. It’s too early to say, but I hope it’s like a domino effect. Like a domino effect and like a fine wine. Just keeps going and gets better as time goes on.

I think it’s only when we do the heavy duty housekeeping when we start to realize how broken we are. I know it’s that way for me. If someone looks like they’ve got it together, they are either great at manipulating others and their own selves into thinking they’ve got it good or they have come to grips that they are broken and in need of constant grace. And until we finally admit to each other that we’re messed up, that we have no answers, community will always be out of reach, friendships will be stagnate, and we will continue being unsatisfied with what we’ve been given.

Why hold back? Why be scared? You want to be loved, so lay it all out there so you can really be loved, every ugly beautiful inch of you.

Boy, you gotta love someone more than yourself.

I was convinced to give Yellowcard’s new album one more shot. Yes, my original complaint was that it was not pop-punk and emo enough, but once I got past the rock guitar intros, I realized it was still Yellowcard. You have to enjoy music that you can scream at the top of your lungs and feel like the song’s about you. I don’t know all the words yet, but I’ve got this one line stuck in my head.

“Boy, you gotta love someone more than yourself.”

I was running late to a job this morning because that’s how I roll. Somehow I am just always late. I was running especially late and gave the lady a heads up. She did not appreciate my tardiness and let me know using the tone of her voice. I was immediately in a bad mood. How dare this lady think the world revolves around her! I made sure she knew I was running late and offered my apologies and that was not good enough — like she had somewhere more important to be. Pfft.

Then, just five minutes later, as I was turtling my way through the parking lot, some lady decides to just walk out in front of me. No nodding of the head or waving of the hand as to say, “Thanks for letting me cross!” She just took her precious time walking in front of me like my car was invisible. Not just walking, more like a trudge. Not once did her head turn to me and I thought, “Geez lady, you think it’d hurt you to pick up the pace just a little bit? I’m running late here!”

That’s when I realized I was just as selfish as my customer had been.

Today was one of those retrospective days. I had a lot of time in the car, I had Yellowcard singing meaningful things at the right times, and I got to hear from people I don’t normally see and they said things I don’t normally hear. I wouldn’t call what I’m going through a mid-mid-life crisis by any means, but I think I have been slowly trying to stop for a second and re-examine my priorities. You know how that goes. For the most part, ever since I’ve moved to Dallas, there are clearly two roads. Good road, bad road. Both lead into that crazy land of the future, something I still hate to think about. And since I hate thinking about it, I’ve been walking that fine line between the roads. But I know they have to split somewhere.

What do I want out of my life? What kind of crazy plans do I have for myself? I still don’t have an exact answer, but the general answer, I think remains the same. I don’t want to waste what I’ve got. See, I believe that I was made exactly the way I was made for a reason and each person affects another person and we’re all just one huge Domino Rally. Sure, I’ll never make a history book, but what I say and do today will affect my family, my friends, and the everyday people I encounter whether I want to acknowledge that fact or not. And so on and so forth, and if you think in the grand scheme of things, what you’re doing today is changing what some person’s life will be like a hundred years from now. That’s a lot of responsibility.

Everybody wants to be remembered. In fact, people do the craziest things to be remembered. So how do I want to be remembered? I’d love to ask my closest friends to see what they’d say about me if I died and my funeral was today. Was I simply the funny kid? Or maybe that really talented girl who played guitar and wrote a few songs. Or the girl that fixed my computer once. Honestly, if I died today and that’s all anyone had to say about me, I would kick my own face and call myself a failure. Okay, I retract the previous statement — I don’t believe you can fail at life, but I believe you can either live or truly die to self and live.

If you pick up a Bible and read I Cor 13, it seems to give a much more in-depth definition of love than Webster could ever offer. It doesn’t matter whether you believe the whole book is true, I can’t imagine anyone arguing that love isn’t kind, love gets angry and love can be rude. I mean, we’re always apologizing when we get like that and I don’t believe love should have to apologize. And if you think about who personified love in the Bible and everything He did — again, whether you fully believe this or not — either way, I don’t think many people can argue that Jesus was a selfish guy. Point to a line in the Bible that hints He ever thought of Himself over anyone save the line, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani!” I think it’s safe to say that love is synonymous with selflessness.

Now, I know I’ll never be remembered as that girl that could walk on water. Or that Asian kid that could heal the lepers. But I guess my hope is that when people look back on my life, they can see what I have learned about love. Hopefully they will know whether I loved the world or whether I loved Christ.

Right now, I know the answer is unclear. I’ve got a lot of work to do.