Penance.

I grew up going to Catholic church and there was this seemingly strange set of actions we would do on occasions - we would go to a small room, lay out all our wrongdoings to the mystery man behind the screen, then go back to the sanctuary and then go through our penance. I came to know this routine fairly well (as our church was full of routines) and no matter what I would say, I knew my penance would be the same: five “Our Fathers” aka “The Lord’s Prayer.”

This process never jived with me because I was still ridden with guilt and shame, but on the surface level, I liked it. I liked that I could screw up big time, just confess it to the mystery man (who was usually our priest, duh, we only had one), say a prayer five times and be clean again.

But now I know different. I know it’s not about what I do or could ever do. Now when I screw up, I have to rely on faith and grace to cover that up. It jives with me more than my legalistic upbringing, but every day I forget. I forget that when I screw up, there’s nothing I can do to ultimately rectify what I did. I could apologize and perform acts of kindness ’til I’m blue in the face, but what I screwed up happened and there’s no going back.

This is where I have to let go. I have to realize there is no penance and that God’s grace covers all my muckups, even the ones I refuse to forgive myself for. It’s almost like I want to hold on to my darkness until there’s something I can do about it. But I can’t. There’s been no human being that was able to fix all of their problems (which really renders self-help books and American psychology useless) so why do I insist I can do this?

I don’t think Jesus died on the cross so I could be held prisoner by my own guilt and shame.

As Martin Luther said (as retold by Derek Webb in explaining his song, “Nobody Loves Me“):

Luther was once asked at his church why, week after week, all he preached was the Gospel. Luther’s reponse was, “Well, because week after week you forget it. Until you walk in here looking like people who are truly liberated by the truth of the Gospel, I’m going to keep on preaching it to you.”

Great Wall of Nina.

I haven’t posted in awhile, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking myself into craziness. August was marked as my month to relax and although I did take a week off from work to spend in exotic Lubbock, Texas, I think that’s what spurred the latest bouts of thoughts. It’s amazing how much your mind has to say when you’re not concentrating on work or school and the like.

I’ve got too much to say and it’s bedtime, but I thought it was important to say that these past weeks have been weeks of tremendous growth. Now, here’s where I admit that in these past weeks I also feel like I had a few tremendous falls, but it’s okay. Valleys are just as important as mountains.

So what have I been learning? I’ve always harped on my friends for not being honest, hiding their sins, never willing to really just sit down and open up. Welp. I’m a black pot and my friends are black kettles. I let my guard down a little, a few bricks off my Great Wall if you will, and opened up a big jar of ugly recently. Things I thought I had successfully swept under the rug came out and surprised me and a few of the people who have happened to talk to me these past weeks. I realized that just because I am not dealing with certain issues in my life doesn’t mean those issues aren’t still waiting to rear their ugly heads at me when the time’s just right.

And that’s just the problem. Not only are we black pots and kettles, but we’re great at sweeping things under the rug. I believe that people were created to be in community with each other. You can’t argue with that because hey, obviously there is a reason there is more than one human alive, right? But can community truly exist if we’re keeping to ourselves? Since when did we get so scared of letting others get to know us, to love us?

Pastor Matt Chandler recently said something along the lines of people not needing professional counselors and therapists if we could all just learn how to communicate with each other. Someone said to me, “Duh, that’s why I’m going. I suck at communicating.” Somewhere on everyone’s timeline, we have learned to be scared of communicating. We have learned to fear not being accepted.

I have never, ever met a person (or heard of one) who has opened up a big dirty jar of ugly and had everyone leave them to die on an island alone. So why are we so insanely scared?

In my recent steps to opening up, I have been met with different responses. Most have been caught off guard by the fact that I can actually be the talker and not the listener for once. It’s scary, saying something and grimacing at the thought of awkward silence, ridicule, or total rejection. You’d be surprised though. You’ve be surprised that people just want to open up too. It’s too early to say, but I hope it’s like a domino effect. Like a domino effect and like a fine wine. Just keeps going and gets better as time goes on.

I think it’s only when we do the heavy duty housekeeping when we start to realize how broken we are. I know it’s that way for me. If someone looks like they’ve got it together, they are either great at manipulating others and their own selves into thinking they’ve got it good or they have come to grips that they are broken and in need of constant grace. And until we finally admit to each other that we’re messed up, that we have no answers, community will always be out of reach, friendships will be stagnate, and we will continue being unsatisfied with what we’ve been given.

Why hold back? Why be scared? You want to be loved, so lay it all out there so you can really be loved, every ugly beautiful inch of you.

The prodigal Asian returns to Lubbock.

In my sins, I have wronged a lot of people. A lot of these people are actually my friends. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that I was right and they were wrong, or that I was somehow better than them and earned the right to say and do a lot of things they didn’t deserve. I slowly became someone with characteristics I’ve always despised. Among these characteristics were anger, bitterness, jealousy, and selfishness - things we all deal with on a normal basis, but somehow I invited these attributes into my heart and in my heart they thrived. It was ugly.

Thankfully, about two weeks ago, I finally said, “Okay, God. You can open my eyes now and let me see who I am and who I need to become.”

Oh man, it sucked. It sucked to admit I was guilty of all of the above. It sucked that I didn’t have to look very hard to see the darkness I let breed inside. I was confused - Confused that only a year ago, I felt a very pure and noble plan put into my heart and in the midst of carrying out these plans, I mucked up along the way. And oh man, failure. When I opened my eyes, I saw failure written all over and of course I started to wonder, “Why? God why did you tell me to do something knowing I would be in this moment, broken again?”

Last week, I started to listen to some sermons by a friend’s husband in between jobs. One of them was about the sovereignty of the Lord. It brought up that question, “If God’s so good, why does He let bad things happen?” I had heard an answer concerning this question and the issue of world health - starvation, disease, etc. “If God’s so good, why are there starving people all over the world?” Answer was, “Well, we are His hands and feet, aren’t we?” I thought it was a good answer. However, after listening to the sermon, I think there’s a bigger answer than that although we shouldn’t totally ignore the previous answer. Since I was driving, I didn’t get to write the verse down, but basically, God’s going to get stuff done with or without our help. If He wants to rid the world of AIDS, He is capable of doing so right now without help from any of the world’s greatest doctors and researchers. So why doesn’t He? Why does He let disease run amuck, why does He let innocent children starve, and why did He lead me into a valley so deep?

I’ve learned and re-learned two things.
1. His ways are not our ways.
It is obvious we are not gods. There are things definitely out of control and never will be in our control, so it obvious to me that I am not a god nor is anyone else I’m bound to meet here on Earth. But sometimes He reveals His glory, His infinite wisdom to me - but in His timing. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the full reason He created me on that fateful day almost twenty-four years ago and I doubt He’ll give me the complete answer ’til I see Him. But I can see a few times where He’s guided me through certain “downs” only so He could mold me and then lead me to certain “ups” - He’ll let me see a few answers to my cries of “Why?” But sometimes He won’t. We all forget there is a bigger picture than the here and now.

2. “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” Matthew 11:6
So we have to accept the fact that we don’t always understand His ways. Oh man, was I offended the night I decided to let His ways take precendence over my current events. I didn’t understand a lick of it. But one of the friends I had burned before said, “You know what? Did you ever stop to think that the reason He called you to do this wasn’t to get to Point X but maybe to Point Y, Point Y being a lesson of strengthening, patience, and learning to trust the Lord?” I said told her I would rather much trade Point Y for Point X, but these past two weeks have been weeks of slow and steady progress. Of healing. Of learning to let go of trying to understand it all. Of forgiveness.

This past weekend I went to Lubbock for a friend’s graduation and spent my time with all of the friends I had snubbed and hurt. And just like the prodigal son, instead of being met with my own medicine, there were hugs, high fives, quality time, and healing. I walked in and it was like I never left. We picked up where we left off, but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a lot more appreciative of all the things God’s led us through as a group.

Thank you, Jesus. To modify Luke 15:32,
“But we had to celebrate and be glad, because [Nina] was dead and is alive again; [she] was lost and is found.

Insecurities, inconsistancies.

I finally went to a church last Sunday. It’s been too many months, for sure. Of course I was hesitant but I really got a chance to worship and learn at FUMC Carrollton. I also went to the evening contemporary service my friend Dane leads worship for. It was good to hear those “old” songs we’d sing at the Wesley. I call them “old” because they are actually relatively new worship songs from such artists as Shane Barnard, David Crowder, and the like.

I’ve also tried to take a little bit of each day to read more of Don Miller’s book, Searching for God Knows What. It’s not as easy of a read as Blue Like Jazz, but I feel that it reaches deeper than Blue did. I love how Don is taking the whole entire book to say over and over again –

Christianity is Relational.

It makes so much sense that we manage to put aside having a relationship with Christ to pay more attention to morality, becoming relevant to the new culture, and just trying to prove others that Christianity is “right.” Since I haven’t had to work much this week, it became a perfect time to look at my relationships, specifically with Jesus and with my close friends. I figure I should look at these first since I come into contact with them every day, yeah? Both relationships are far from perfect and realized that a lot of it has to do with my insecurities. Don’s lifeboat and circus analogies hit home - I am definitely guilty of competing for a higher rung, specifically on the friendship ladder. Why I feel it is so important that I am better than so-and-so friend, I have no idea.

In fact, there’s a lot of things I do that I can’t explain why I do. There’s a whole load of things people do in general and it’s tough to stop others and ask them, “Have you stopped to think why you’re doing this? Like, what’s the point of this?” Others tend to look at you like you’re crazy unless you happen to have enough time to explain that you’re reading this book that reminds you of how radical Jesus really was and how far, far away we are from heaven on earth.

I don’t know. Sometimes you get so fired up you want to say a hundred billion things but to every one you can and realize that’s not how it works. Gotta spread the Truth one by one. Relationship by relationship. It’s tough, but what else are we going to do on earth?

Showing weakness.

I am guilty of trying to fill the voids in my life with counterfeit shapes. I am constantly settling for second best. Third best. Next to worst best.

I am guilty of forgetting my plank and magnifying others’. I fail everyday to admit my wrongs. And when I do, I know I will make you think my wrongdoing was not as heinous as yours.

I am guilty of flaunting God’s mercy and grace but failing to obey His commands, failing to truly love Him. I also forget to practice mercy and grace to those I love.

Tonight my whole being is restless yet tired. It is my weaknesses that take me down and try to keep me down. And sometimes I flail my own arms as if I can rescue myself.

My nature is sinful.

But I know I can be saved. I know because I am saved. I just forget sometimes.