“I’m still alive! I feel happy!”

I wish I had something to show for my online absence. Unveil a major project I’ve been working on, upload some fun pictures of crazy things I’ve been doing, or tell a story about some adventure I had the other day. But I don’t. So goes my neverending battle between mediocrity and greatness. Wrestling with ambitious dreams and lazy, comfortable routine.

But I have found something. Read more »

Insecurities, inconsistancies.

I finally went to a church last Sunday. It’s been too many months, for sure. Of course I was hesitant but I really got a chance to worship and learn at FUMC Carrollton. I also went to the evening contemporary service my friend Dane leads worship for. It was good to hear those “old” songs we’d sing at the Wesley. I call them “old” because they are actually relatively new worship songs from such artists as Shane Barnard, David Crowder, and the like.

I’ve also tried to take a little bit of each day to read more of Don Miller’s book, Searching for God Knows What. It’s not as easy of a read as Blue Like Jazz, but I feel that it reaches deeper than Blue did. I love how Don is taking the whole entire book to say over and over again –

Christianity is Relational.

It makes so much sense that we manage to put aside having a relationship with Christ to pay more attention to morality, becoming relevant to the new culture, and just trying to prove others that Christianity is “right.” Since I haven’t had to work much this week, it became a perfect time to look at my relationships, specifically with Jesus and with my close friends. I figure I should look at these first since I come into contact with them every day, yeah? Both relationships are far from perfect and realized that a lot of it has to do with my insecurities. Don’s lifeboat and circus analogies hit home - I am definitely guilty of competing for a higher rung, specifically on the friendship ladder. Why I feel it is so important that I am better than so-and-so friend, I have no idea.

In fact, there’s a lot of things I do that I can’t explain why I do. There’s a whole load of things people do in general and it’s tough to stop others and ask them, “Have you stopped to think why you’re doing this? Like, what’s the point of this?” Others tend to look at you like you’re crazy unless you happen to have enough time to explain that you’re reading this book that reminds you of how radical Jesus really was and how far, far away we are from heaven on earth.

I don’t know. Sometimes you get so fired up you want to say a hundred billion things but to every one you can and realize that’s not how it works. Gotta spread the Truth one by one. Relationship by relationship. It’s tough, but what else are we going to do on earth?

My day off.

This morning I woke up feeling very unsure. I wasn’t so sure as to what I was unsure of, but either way, there was a bit of discontent stirred up within me. It’s my two day off stretch and I needed to find things to do, to occupy my mind, but not so much that it caused the slightest bit of stress.

I went to the bookstore. Everytime I go, I vow to return more frequently. I’m a sucker for the smell of books plus the smell of overpriced coffee. There was a time where I’d read books often. During class, waiting for dinner, before bed, and in the middle of the night… Now I just read books to try and grasp a better understanding of my life which is seemingly flying by. Yes, I’ve got my Bible, but my being wants to hear another soul searching like I am, one who is a step ahead of their search. It’s a bit weird to admit, but within a few months, I’ve grown to trust Don Miller. I think it has a lot to do with his rambling style and how I can relate it to my rambling mouth. Every now and again, I’d like to think I say something worth saying like Miller does in his stories.

“Relationships aren’t the best thing, if you ask me. People can be quite untrustworthy, and the more you get to know them — by that I mean the more you let somebody know who you really are — the more it feels as though something is at stake. And that makes me nervous. It takes me a million years to get to know anybody pretty well, and even then the slightest thing will set me off. I feel it in my chest, this desire to dissociate.”

I have a temporary roommate for a few weeks. I also refer to this temporary roommate as my best friend. With all best friends come stories of trials but with those trials, a strengthening in relationship. We’ve gotten to know each other extremely well, but there are still things I probably wouldn’t tell her and even worse, vice versa. Is this an issue of trust? The fact that if we tell the truth to each other, something disastrous would occur, shattering the fragileness of the friendship? What is it that we’re afraid of? What is if that I’m afraid of? Why is it that a person longs to have relationships with others but at the same time scared to death that the relationship would go forward?

And it’s times like these that I see the parallel of me needing a relationship on earth as needing a relationship with my Heavenly Father. That’s a no-brainer, I guess. The hard part is putting that into action.

Anyway, that’s what happens when I get a day off. Time to think.