Discontent and Transformation.

I’ve been stupid busy lately. Some of it is valid and some of it isn’t. I’ve been slammed with changes at work, changes that affect my everyday routine. My habits. So, the changes haven’t exactly been met with open arms yet. But my invalid busyness is due to my increased procrastination in conjunction with my increased responsibilities. In sum, the more work Nina gets, the less Nina does. I know, Nina makes no sense.

I have been encouraged by a strange source: the blogging community. There are a handful of blogs I suscribe to and I read my feeds during my downtime at work. And I noticed a trend among all my fellow bloggers - that we all have dreams, goals to achieve but that there is conflict to overcome. Okay, okay, so that is a trend with every human being, but it has been encouraging to read these thoughts and know that I’m not alone in my discontentment.

My discontentment has been at an all-time high (or close), mainly because I feel like I am on the verge of something great, but I’m holding back. It’s like life is on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t quite get there. So to resolve this friction, I’ve given myself more distractions, unnecessary distractions. And yes, nothing has been resolved. There is definitely a monkey on my back.

But I read this on Dan Kimball’s blog as he speaks about his church’s mission statement:

We start it with “asking God to transform us” as it needs to be God not human effort when we are serving on the mission and our sinful nature would likely make us more self-centered than others-centered - so it must be the Spirit of God changing us as we serve Him.

And I haven’t been able to forget it. Combined with guest speaker Eric Mason’s message a few weeks back on BROKENNESS and you’ve got me not only thinking about where God wants to take me, but also what God is trying to teach me RIGHT NOW.

Where am I right now? Discontent, procrastinating, self-loathing, stressed, insecure, hopeful, dreaming.

What does God want me to learn right now? I thought maybe He’d want to increase my patience, but in all my stale waiting, I think He is also reminding me that I need to at least get off my keyster. But maybe, just maybe, He doesn’t want me to get up to do, do, do. Maybe, just maybe, He’s reminding me that before I do, I should pray. And not just pray my usual prayer that He’ll give me strength for whatever I do, but to actually pray that He guides what I do. Pray for transformation. Because I can’t change the world and I can’t change myself.