Rebirth. (”I’m not dead yet! I feel happy!”)

It’s been well over a month since my last post, but I have my reasons. Mainly, I thought my last post was important, so I wanted to make sure everyone got to read it once or twice. But I’ve also been busy, furiously trying to focus on what I’ve found to be worth focusing.

Before I start rambling, I’d like to announce that I will be baptized Saturday night at the 7pm service at The Village Church.

A few of you may be surprised that I have not been baptized yet, in which you’d be halfway right. Without getting too much into it, I was baptized as a child, sprinkled with water, at the Catholic church my mom attended. My relationship with Jesus did not fully begin until I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior about five years ago. I always wondered if I should get baptized again, hearing the popular phrase, “Once baptized, always baptized.” However, after reading through the Gospels, I feel led to be baptized as Jesus was baptized. This act will not save me, as I have been saved already, but it is my chance to show Jesus I love Him, and to my church, ask that they love me - that in my new life, I hope they will rebuke me, forgive me, and love me.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” - 2 Cor 5:17

If you had asked me before I moved to Dallas what I thought about Christianity - the church, the Christians, the strange culture - I probably would have given you words of cynicism. To be honest, I still will. Because let’s face it. Christians give Christianity a bad name too often. Ultimately, I believe it’s up to God’s mercy to save unbelievers, but seriously, nothing will turn an unbeliever away from Jesus quicker than a hypocritical, self-righteous Christian.

I know this because I am too often that Christian. I have hated a brother and sister in need. I have created some imaginary ladder of goodness, ranking myself higher than others in the morality scale. I will try and justify my evil deeds, but be quick to condemn others. I have claimed that I love Jesus with all my heart, yet fail to show it. And I have seen my ugliness leave a bitter taste in people’s hearts.

I didn’t love the Church because of most people’s excuse - The Church is full of hypocrites. No, actually that is why I love the Church. It is a community of broken, ugly people that know they are in desperate need of a Savior. I didn’t love the Church because I saw churches as businesses. I saw their grand buildings, their well-dressed people, they new, hip services and contemporary music. I saw their desperate attempts to lure in new people, but too often I felt they missed the point.

But I didn’t give up on the Church. I continued to seek for a community of believers to share life with and prayed that this would not be a search in vain, something to quench my selfish needs. But the more I read the Scriptures, the more I craved community - some place to learn, some people to love, just somewhere I could admit that I am not okay and be safe.

I read somewhere that the bar is probably the closest thing some people get to church. Like the Cheers theme song goes, it’s “where everyone knows your name.” You can feel safe, accepted, and loved. But at what expense? And how long does that feeling last?

But I have finally found community. It is broken and it is tough, but we declare we are desperately in need of Jesus and desperate to love and be loved. I am excited to have the opportunity to stand in front of my church Saturday night and tell them my testimony (in a nutshell, of course). I am excited to have my small group and good friends present, even having one of my closest friends perform the baptism — that they can all witness the symbolism that I am dead to my old life, but am now alive in Jesus Christ, a new life. And I am excited to see where this journey continues to take me, forever thankful for everything it’s been so far.

(A cookie for whoever knows that movie I’m quoting in the title!)

Roll a new leaf over… Again.

Instead of going to bed like my body told me to, I decided to read and think. Sometimes I think the best thoughts come at night. Even better when you can’t sleep, laying awake in bed, with seemingly no one but the walls to listen to you. Then thinking led me into creating a new blog, one for this new chapter of my life (okay, so I’m four months late). But what’s funny was that while creating this, I ran into a blog I created two years ago. Two years ago, I was in a similar mindset of starting anew. Two years ago, I posted daily, commenting either on my daily Bible studies or on the Purpose Driven book I kept trying to finish. It throws me back a little to read some of it. Sometimes I think I am less wiser as years go on.

My old new blog was named 365-24-7 so maybe this is 365-24-7: Take Two. It’ll be in addition to my livejournal, I think. More places I can think out loud on. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s time to move on. Guess we’ll see.

The other day at work, a coworker mentioned the “broken glass” phenomenon or theory, or something mystical. I had never heard of this phrase before and made him explain. It was in reference to a picture taken of a coworker and posted on a wall. Someone had drawn angry eyebrows on it, playfully. According to the “broken glass” phenomenon, once the glass is cracked, it doesn’t matter anymore. It will keep breaking. In this case, someone totally different had decided to draw an evil curly mustache. Eventually, devil horns made its way onto the picture. In no way does this represent the guy in the picture well, but it was simply a tasteful addition of funny marks.

But all week I’ve been thinking about this “broken glass.”

Before my coworker had made the analogy with the devil-man picture, I responded to his theory with, “So? You can always stop breaking the glass, right?” But he said, “Sure, but it’s already broken.” I think this mashed a bad chord in my heart because I guess we could all look at the story of life on earth through this “broken glass.” God pulled out this nice shiny sheet of glass and we threw a little pebble at it. If you know anything at all about windshields and rock chips, it’s that one teeny tiny pebble at just the right angle will mar your windshield perfectly. It’s like we threw the pebble and as time went on, instead of repairing the rock chip, we just let weather and conditions further the fracture. And I wonder at what point we are at now. How much stress can our broken glass take before it shatters into one big fat mess?

But then I remembered my honest little question that escaped from my mouth… “You can always stop breaking the glass, right?” I mean, what kind of crazy theory is that — That one little mark would spiral down into chaos? Is there a point of salvaging what we have? Is there a point we can stop and say, that’s enough? As a human often driven by sin, am I capable of stopping this? Or is this where a savior steps in? Could salvation be the point where Christ not only repairs the chips, but completely restores your windshield like new without replacing it? AND adds a lifetime of protection?

Sign me up for that warranty, right?

Anyway. As much of a cynic as I used to be, the optimist in me doesn’t so much like the idea of the “broken glass” phenomenon. I don’t think once broken, always broken. But that’s what I think.