Head west, young girl!

I am killing a little time in my layover in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I should be enjoying some coffee under the Portland, Oregon clouds right now, but God decided it should rain and rain terribly hard yesterday so my plans were thwarted. My flight from Dallas to New Mexico would not make it in time for me to catch my connecting flight to Portland. So they secured me a ticket for today.

Nina Goes to Portland: Take 2.

I wasn’t exactly happy, but I didn’t let it wreck my night. If you like people watching, the airport is a great place to do so. It was interesting to see how people handled themselves when their plans were thwarted as well. Some merely booked the next flight out, and some people muttered mean things about Southwest Airlines as if they control the weather. (Southwest Airlines, if you do, please send sunshine my way, thank you!)  I thought it was even moreso interesting that I happened to read this as I finished up Blue Like Jazz today:

“The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me.”
~Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Anyway, just wanted something to kill some time. It is terribly hot in the neat little laptop area they have setup at ABQ so I think I’m going to pop a squat at the gate. In the midst of the ticket switch, I only managed to be in the B group. I’ll be ecstatic if I get a window seat.

Q&Q.

I’ve recently discovered the wonder that is podcasting. At first, I thought it was a way for every Joe Blow to have his own amateur show, complete with low-end production and boringness. I may be right somewhere, but I hit gold the other day. I discovered that I could listen to Matt Chandler’s sermons at my home, anytime. (Matt Chandler being the pastor at The Village, the church I have been attending.) If that wasn’t awesome enough, I checked out Mars Hill’s video podcasts and have been watching Mark Driscoll’s sermons. Way cool because my lack of attention span totally digs the visuals.

Anyway, I listened to Chandler speak on Hebrews 3:1-11 and “home.” I love Chandler’s approach to Scripture. Break it down, verse by verse and really take the time to digest each word. I never realized how much I was missing out by merely reading the Scriptures. But what caught my interest was his “current” affairs (the sermon was in February); a family close to him had an eight-year old daughter with leukemia and she was not doing well at all. His voice cracked as he admitted his heartbreak as well as his beef with God. That question, “Why?” Why does God allow stuff like this to happen? Little girls with leukemia, bystanders killed during wars, drunk drivers surviving wrecks that were fatal for others…

I won’t argue. It seems like a good question to keep people from following Jesus Christ. If God is in complete power, that means He let that crappy stuff happen on purpose. And who wants to believe that? Who wants to believe God is love when crap happens? It’s tough. I’ve seen it create such a bitterness in people’s hearts that they decide to pile on the bricks, to create that wall between self and God. Sometimes the walls are small, perhaps creating a friction between the already existing relationship with Christ. But sometimes the walls are so big because the heart is so battered with “whys” and Christ is never even given a chance.

As Rob Bell said in Velvet Elvis, everyone is a believer. As I believe God sacrificed His only son in order to save man from the death of sin, to create a relationship with man, atheists believe that everything exists because of some complete randomness, they believe the odds favored everything aligning and becoming what the world is today, and that there is nothing after death. Well, for the sake of this post, let’s say there is a God. And let’s say He is completely sovereign (because hey, He wouldn’t be God unless He was in complete control, right?) So things that happen? They are completely from Him. Even the bad stuff. God’s existance is everywhere. Not only in the good, but in the “bad.” To separate God from certain events is to say He’s not in charge. And for the sake of this post, I’ll remind you that there is a God. And He is completely sovereign. So He’s in the good and the bad.

So let’s say God cares about us. He created us. I mean, people don’t tend to create stuff just to hate it, right? And let’s say He cares, so naturally, He’d want to be in relationships with us. Now all of us know it is a tough thing to befriend people we don’t have things in common with, people that don’t agree with our lives completely. Same thing with God. It’s tough to start a relationship with God because He seems hard to understand, to figure out. But He knows this. So let’s say God creates an example of how we should be (while embracing our uniqueness — God wasn’t saying we should all be carpenters) so that we can be in perfect relationship with Him, so we can begin to relate to Him, understand Him, figure Him out. He creates a Way.

You either follow the Way and pursue a relationship with the Creator or you resist the way, deny the relationship, and basically refuse to live fully the life we were created to live. He creates us in a certain way and if we refuse to acknowledge the Creator, we are going to come across things everyday that will never make sense, we will go against the grain and eventually become worn down and defeated.

Some people think Christians are crazy. I think people who don’t believe in a god are crazier because seriously, I cannot imagine putting my faith in chance and chance alone. I acknowledge there is a God and that He’s shown us a Way through Jesus Christ. I can either follow the Way or deny my design.

So let’s say you’re like me. You’re following the Way. People have this misconception that when you become a Christian, things suddenly are awesomely awesome. I mean, you’re on God’s side now, He’s going to award you for that, right? People also have this misconception that Christians are perfect or at least act like they are. These are misconceptions. Things that happen in the world, good and bad, are still going to happen. I’m still a sinner, I still screw up everyday, and I’m quick to admit all this.

But it’s how the Way changes your heart that is the difference.

I’ve come to the realization that people say they believe in Jesus Christ, but there’s a difference between saying, “Yes, I believe in God and yes, I believe the Bible is true” and saying, “Ditto, but in addition to that, I’m going to live according to the Word, I am going to pursue this relationship with Christ, and I am going to let God transform my heart.” Huge difference. HUGE.

So how does this long ramble help answer the question, “Why do bad things happen?” It doesn’t, really. Rob Bell puts it very well in the first chapter of Velvet Elvis when he pointed out the fact that questions are essential to Christianity. It means you admit that you are not a god and that you are seeking who is. And if you know who is, then you come to the realization that due to the infinite nature of God, your questions — well, they are only answered with even more questions. And as frustrating and truly crazy that may sound, I found that when I allow the questions to continue rolling, I find satisfaction. I find a peace. I find an interaction with the God who created me.

I can keep asking, “Why do bad things happen?” or I can accept the fact that “bad” things happen, God is still sovereign in all things, and ask different questions. How can I continue to press on and follow the Way? How can I open my eyes to see the beauty in the “bad,” the “blessings in disguise?” Where can I find the strength to endure it all?

I’m not saying I had any answers in this post, or any answers at all at anytime. I’m just saying I’ve found myself falling in love with questions with the Infinite. And I invite all of you to join in this crazy adventure to dig deeper.

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An update to my previous post: A friend reported rain in Lubbock Thursday night. Apparently, people started praying before the Sunday gathering and God decided to jump the gun too. I wonder if they will still come together in prayer Sunday.

The prodigal Asian returns to Lubbock.

In my sins, I have wronged a lot of people. A lot of these people are actually my friends. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that I was right and they were wrong, or that I was somehow better than them and earned the right to say and do a lot of things they didn’t deserve. I slowly became someone with characteristics I’ve always despised. Among these characteristics were anger, bitterness, jealousy, and selfishness - things we all deal with on a normal basis, but somehow I invited these attributes into my heart and in my heart they thrived. It was ugly.

Thankfully, about two weeks ago, I finally said, “Okay, God. You can open my eyes now and let me see who I am and who I need to become.”

Oh man, it sucked. It sucked to admit I was guilty of all of the above. It sucked that I didn’t have to look very hard to see the darkness I let breed inside. I was confused - Confused that only a year ago, I felt a very pure and noble plan put into my heart and in the midst of carrying out these plans, I mucked up along the way. And oh man, failure. When I opened my eyes, I saw failure written all over and of course I started to wonder, “Why? God why did you tell me to do something knowing I would be in this moment, broken again?”

Last week, I started to listen to some sermons by a friend’s husband in between jobs. One of them was about the sovereignty of the Lord. It brought up that question, “If God’s so good, why does He let bad things happen?” I had heard an answer concerning this question and the issue of world health - starvation, disease, etc. “If God’s so good, why are there starving people all over the world?” Answer was, “Well, we are His hands and feet, aren’t we?” I thought it was a good answer. However, after listening to the sermon, I think there’s a bigger answer than that although we shouldn’t totally ignore the previous answer. Since I was driving, I didn’t get to write the verse down, but basically, God’s going to get stuff done with or without our help. If He wants to rid the world of AIDS, He is capable of doing so right now without help from any of the world’s greatest doctors and researchers. So why doesn’t He? Why does He let disease run amuck, why does He let innocent children starve, and why did He lead me into a valley so deep?

I’ve learned and re-learned two things.
1. His ways are not our ways.
It is obvious we are not gods. There are things definitely out of control and never will be in our control, so it obvious to me that I am not a god nor is anyone else I’m bound to meet here on Earth. But sometimes He reveals His glory, His infinite wisdom to me - but in His timing. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the full reason He created me on that fateful day almost twenty-four years ago and I doubt He’ll give me the complete answer ’til I see Him. But I can see a few times where He’s guided me through certain “downs” only so He could mold me and then lead me to certain “ups” - He’ll let me see a few answers to my cries of “Why?” But sometimes He won’t. We all forget there is a bigger picture than the here and now.

2. “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” Matthew 11:6
So we have to accept the fact that we don’t always understand His ways. Oh man, was I offended the night I decided to let His ways take precendence over my current events. I didn’t understand a lick of it. But one of the friends I had burned before said, “You know what? Did you ever stop to think that the reason He called you to do this wasn’t to get to Point X but maybe to Point Y, Point Y being a lesson of strengthening, patience, and learning to trust the Lord?” I said told her I would rather much trade Point Y for Point X, but these past two weeks have been weeks of slow and steady progress. Of healing. Of learning to let go of trying to understand it all. Of forgiveness.

This past weekend I went to Lubbock for a friend’s graduation and spent my time with all of the friends I had snubbed and hurt. And just like the prodigal son, instead of being met with my own medicine, there were hugs, high fives, quality time, and healing. I walked in and it was like I never left. We picked up where we left off, but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a lot more appreciative of all the things God’s led us through as a group.

Thank you, Jesus. To modify Luke 15:32,
“But we had to celebrate and be glad, because [Nina] was dead and is alive again; [she] was lost and is found.

Tough cookies.

Yep. So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had some free time for myself to sit and think about things. I wish I could say New Year’s came and went without a bang, but it definitely was an eventful night. Don’t you ever have those “inklings” that certain things would happen and you either 1) agree with these inklings or 2) disagree with these inklings. Sometimes you get these mini-inklings like knowing what someone may say word for word or that someone is about to walk through the door or give you a call. But sometimes these inklings are deeply rooted in our hearts; they come days in advance and are basically hovering over your head, tugging at your every being to make decisions now or eat the consequences later. Well, long story short, I decided to neither agree or disagree and just waited for the consequences to come.

I’m not sure if you could say I disobeyed God, but I feel that my inactions showed my lukewarm tendencies. However, through the bruises and cuts as well as the sharp words and wounded hearts, I felt that God was in control even though things seemed out of control. Things are still out of my control and it’s something I have to remind myself every day…

I am not in control.

I have responsibilities and there are consequences to all of my decisions, but ultimately, there is a plan much bigger than myself. When most people see that, they are scared. People don’t like to be out of control. Just ask all of my crazy screaming customers. They just hate knowing there are certain rules and regulations set that don’t conform to their liking. So when some people realize that God deals all the cards and they are dealt a bad hand, they become bitter. They start asking questions like “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” That’s the problem. The use of “me” and “I.” The failure to realize there is a bigger picture than what we see and feel each day. The self-absorbed, self-centered notions we were basically born with. Me, me, me.

But we ALL have the choice to think bigger. We all hit the realization that maybe life is more than our own individual lives at least once in our lifetime. There are other hearts beating, other dreams and fears, and other lives than our own. And we can’t all be self-absorbed and self-centered. Chew on that for a second. I think the world would slowly implode if that were true. If God was our genie and we all got our wishes… As satisfying as having everything we wanted come true, I think life would become even moreso unsatisfying.

We have to trust the dealer. We have to think bigger. Life is more than what is happening to us, life is more than our time here on earth. God is more than the card dealer and knows that sometimes our wants and desires aren’t what’s best for us. He’s the one that created us, don’t you think that He’d know what we needed more than we do?

But that’s a tough cookie for some to handle. And to me, getting others to realize that is my tough cookie to chew on. Then, God pats me on the head and says, “You know what? I appreciate you trying to spread the Truth around, but you do have a tendency to muck up things, so just rely on Me a little bit.” And eventually, eventually that’s all we can do. Rely on Him.