Almost August. Again.

I was reminded by Mandy that it’s that time of the year again. I’ve written about it before, but it’s that time of year that I chose as my songwriting moniker, Almost August. I liked it because it puts me at the top of an alphabetical list, but mainly because it describes the craziness I feel before it is August as stated in my aforementioned previously written post.

And yes, I find myself in the same place. Out of school, but still having reasons to be anxious about August. For starters, I’ll be turning 25. That’s insane in itself. Then, there’s reminiscing and mulling over how things were one year ago. That’s more insanity. And if things couldn’t get crazy enough, I’ll be heading to East Asia in a few weeks for my first mission trip ever.

Did your head blow up due to this insanity? Mine just did. Read more »

Almost August.

It is 6:38am. I successfully destroyed my sleeping cycle during my usual 3-day weekend. I couldn’t sleep tonight so I read the rest of Velvet Elvis. And now I’m here, ready to ramble.

I told God at the end of April that I was ready. I was ready for change. Change from my old ways that just got, well, really old. It wasn’t the fact that I wasn’t happy. It was more than the unhappiness. There were battles being fought. Physically, yes. I’ve got scars from them. Mentally, yes. I’ve played mind games with the best of them. Spiritually, very much yes… but very much no. My spiritual battle was one being fought, but I rarely joined in. I was dry. Parched. Defeated.

And now it’s almost August. Today I just thought about this summer and the places I’ve been. (Not literally, because literally, I’ve just been in North Texas and Lubbock. Not that exciting.) I went back somewhere I had been and it had changed too. Through my old friends immediate actions that late night in April, I see God’s forgiveness. His grace. His mercy. I read a few books (The Irresistible Revolution and Velvet Elvis) that renewed my outlook on what it could possibly mean to follow Christ. Along with the words from The Bible, I see God’s hope. People that believe God didn’t mean for there to be waiting, that Heaven (and Hell) are here on earth. A Savior that says, “Come and see” and never fails to show me something new. And through a few close friends, our renewed friendships, and our trials, I see God’s love. I am starting to see what accountability means and how ugly it may get, but how necessary it is. I see honesty in a new light.

I’m not in school anymore and my work schedule remains the same, but I still refer to everything in “semesters.” The new semester is coming up. Summer is almost over. I named my “band”/side project Almost August after an e-mail I wrote a good friend many years ago. I wrote about all the anxieties I had about the new school year. Also, my birthday just so happens to land on the eighth day of the eighth month, so I also wrote about all the anxieties I had about becoming older. There just always seems to be a little pressure during these “new” years. Like they are supposed to be… new. I titled the e-mail, “Almost August,” and my friend replied and added the fact that the subject line was an excellent name for a band.

I’ve written songs in junior high and high school, but I feel that when I really started writing songs was in college during my Junior year. I don’t know how some writers do it, but I could never write about wars I’ve never been in, places I’ve never been to, or my “grillz.” So I just wrote from the heart. And the songs that emerged — well, the ones I favor — were the songs that were the most honest, the most raw, and the most flexible. Songs that anyone with a heart could relate to. Who hasn’t loved? Who hasn’t been hurt? And who hasn’t, even in the slightest bit, hoped for something more?

And so it goes. I wrote enough songs to figure I could keep writing and my name is too long. The songs fit the theme I had in my e-mail to my friend. And, in a way, this is version 2.0 of that e-mail. Because I feel that anxiety again. Yes, I don’t have school, but I still have to blow out those birthday candles and there are instances in my life that I feel will be made new this month. And I have this heart, a little worn down with almost 24-years of battle scars, that — for some crazy reason — is bursting with hope for something more.

It’s almost August.

Teach a man to fish again…

So after typing up a storm about trust, the following day I managed to temporarily lose my trustworthiness from someone.

It was strange. My first reaction was to try and cover up my mistake but it was clear that feelings had already been hurt. My second reaction was to retaliate and reverse the pointed finger. Thankfully, I reached a better reaction in confessing I had screwed up and asking for forgiveness. Sincerely, I asked for forgiveness.

I grew up with a parent whose finger was always pointed in every direction but his own. Well, I say “grew” but not much has changed. As far as I can remember, any and all responsibilities I could handle or had to figure out how to handle were put on my shoulders. I suppose this sped up my learning process, but I think, at the same time, I ended up eating the blame if anything was to ever go wrong. I had two choices. I could either fight back in the unfairness of a 10-year kid having to navigate the family through our first visit to San Antonio or I could do as I was told.

So I did as I was told.

Again, not much has changed. I think I have grown into a very obedient, yet passive person, often times susceptible to getting taken advantage of. I have a servant’s heart, but neglect to take care of it at times. But what could I have become if I had been stubborn growing up? Headstrong and outspoken, I’m sure. Characteristics that I sometimes wish I had… characteristics that might make me a more well-rounded leader. But I can’t imagine talking back to my parents and I can’t imagine fighting to my right to be right everytime.

There must be a happy medium. A time to admit your wrongs, but a time to admit you’re right. Being able to ask for forgiveness and being able to forgive someone. Being able to work things out but never compromising your beliefs.

Anyway. In other fun news, I was added onto someone’s RSS feed. That was pretty cool to know someone that actually knows what an rss feed is. And my songs were added to someone’s iPod today. That was kind of strange to know, but slightly cool at the same time. Ok, ok, I’ll admit it, I’m really honored to be in an iPod.