The prodigal Asian returns to Lubbock.

In my sins, I have wronged a lot of people. A lot of these people are actually my friends. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that I was right and they were wrong, or that I was somehow better than them and earned the right to say and do a lot of things they didn’t deserve. I slowly became someone with characteristics I’ve always despised. Among these characteristics were anger, bitterness, jealousy, and selfishness - things we all deal with on a normal basis, but somehow I invited these attributes into my heart and in my heart they thrived. It was ugly.

Thankfully, about two weeks ago, I finally said, “Okay, God. You can open my eyes now and let me see who I am and who I need to become.”

Oh man, it sucked. It sucked to admit I was guilty of all of the above. It sucked that I didn’t have to look very hard to see the darkness I let breed inside. I was confused - Confused that only a year ago, I felt a very pure and noble plan put into my heart and in the midst of carrying out these plans, I mucked up along the way. And oh man, failure. When I opened my eyes, I saw failure written all over and of course I started to wonder, “Why? God why did you tell me to do something knowing I would be in this moment, broken again?”

Last week, I started to listen to some sermons by a friend’s husband in between jobs. One of them was about the sovereignty of the Lord. It brought up that question, “If God’s so good, why does He let bad things happen?” I had heard an answer concerning this question and the issue of world health - starvation, disease, etc. “If God’s so good, why are there starving people all over the world?” Answer was, “Well, we are His hands and feet, aren’t we?” I thought it was a good answer. However, after listening to the sermon, I think there’s a bigger answer than that although we shouldn’t totally ignore the previous answer. Since I was driving, I didn’t get to write the verse down, but basically, God’s going to get stuff done with or without our help. If He wants to rid the world of AIDS, He is capable of doing so right now without help from any of the world’s greatest doctors and researchers. So why doesn’t He? Why does He let disease run amuck, why does He let innocent children starve, and why did He lead me into a valley so deep?

I’ve learned and re-learned two things.
1. His ways are not our ways.
It is obvious we are not gods. There are things definitely out of control and never will be in our control, so it obvious to me that I am not a god nor is anyone else I’m bound to meet here on Earth. But sometimes He reveals His glory, His infinite wisdom to me - but in His timing. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the full reason He created me on that fateful day almost twenty-four years ago and I doubt He’ll give me the complete answer ’til I see Him. But I can see a few times where He’s guided me through certain “downs” only so He could mold me and then lead me to certain “ups” - He’ll let me see a few answers to my cries of “Why?” But sometimes He won’t. We all forget there is a bigger picture than the here and now.

2. “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” Matthew 11:6
So we have to accept the fact that we don’t always understand His ways. Oh man, was I offended the night I decided to let His ways take precendence over my current events. I didn’t understand a lick of it. But one of the friends I had burned before said, “You know what? Did you ever stop to think that the reason He called you to do this wasn’t to get to Point X but maybe to Point Y, Point Y being a lesson of strengthening, patience, and learning to trust the Lord?” I said told her I would rather much trade Point Y for Point X, but these past two weeks have been weeks of slow and steady progress. Of healing. Of learning to let go of trying to understand it all. Of forgiveness.

This past weekend I went to Lubbock for a friend’s graduation and spent my time with all of the friends I had snubbed and hurt. And just like the prodigal son, instead of being met with my own medicine, there were hugs, high fives, quality time, and healing. I walked in and it was like I never left. We picked up where we left off, but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a lot more appreciative of all the things God’s led us through as a group.

Thank you, Jesus. To modify Luke 15:32,
“But we had to celebrate and be glad, because [Nina] was dead and is alive again; [she] was lost and is found.